Surviving the First Months of Parenthood

Lifestyle

17 Nov

So, surviving the first few months of parenthood. I have wanted to compile this list of things I’ve learnt and things I find it helpful to remind myself of for quite some time. I started drafting it in the wee hours in those first overwhelming weeks of motherhood and I'm finally returning to it now (as Ines is fast approaching the eight-month mark!) to polish it up for you and reflect on things I found useful during this hugely transitional time. It can be a time of immense uncertainty ('Is she sleeping enough? Or too much? Why is she grunting so much? Is she feeding enough? How will I ever leave the house again? How will I ever have a conversation that isn't about her ever again?') and this is only exacerbated by the sheer amount of advice online. It's a double-edged sword; in lots of ways hearing from hundreds of other parents I felt comforted that much of what we were experiencing was normal; on the other, there was a lot of advice that did not suit us but nonetheless caused anxiety ('should I be encouraging her to fall asleep on her own? Should we be on some kind of schedule?') So I write this post with a staunch anti-advice mentality. Imagine that I'm writing to me personally in the half-forgotten mists of life pre-Ines, so I don't want you to feel that any of it should or needs to be relevant to you. You know your baby best. Also, as I said in a recent video, too, lots of the stuff I read felt irrelevant until she was actually born and/or I'd gone through the various phases which made it seem pertinent, so if you are pregnant for the first time and reading this, know that it might be more useful to read it again later on. I didn't read any books on child-rearing during my pregnancy but I've read a few since, and for me, this worked better. I've seen some people lament the fact that they didn't read about what to do when the baby was actually here and that they focussed on pregnancy and labour too much, but I don't feel that way. I've absorbed much more in a productive way since she's been born, so if you don't feel the urge to read a ton of stuff about life with a baby, don't stress. There will be plenty of time for middle-of-the-night googling! Perhaps it’s good to know a bit about newborns specifically and then you can keep yourself updated as you go, so reading a little about the ‘fourth trimester’ might be helpful! And one thing I would say it might be good to have a little knowledge of before baby is born is breastfeeding if it's something you want to do. Knowing about shapes to hold your breast in for a good latch or how intense cluster feeding can be can come in handy in those first few heady days of motherhood (our NCT course was good for this, and this Instagram account is a wealth of great information).

Finally, none of this is particularly new information and I'm hardly the world's most experienced or incredible parent, but I think it's nice sometimes to hear it again and all in one place. Because this post has grown and grown (it would have looked very different when I first intended to write it a couple of months after she was born), I fear that a lot of what I will say is probably now more applicable to the first chunk of your baby's first year rather than those very early days, but I hope some of it will resonate with you and give you some peace of mind about a difficult but also often quite wondrous time of life. Disclaimers over, let's jump in! In no particular order…

Set up a good support system and ask for help. I'm so bad at asking for help! So, so bad. I was that kid that didn't want anyone to check or even glance at their homework. But I wish I'd asked for more help sooner. I never regretted it when I did, and I often needed more than I asked for. If you know you're like this, it might be worth being vocal about it before or soon after the baby arrives, and warn your partner or the people around you that they might have to explicitly offer (a nap, a drink, a shower) rather than wait for you to ask. Living at home and having extra pairs of hands - or warm cosy chests for baby to lie on - was invaluable; if you can arrange to have someone around to help you out then it can make a huge difference (saluting all COVID parents out there that had to do it on their own, endlessly).
Observe your baby closely, take the time to learn who they are, and remember they are a little person who is brand new to the world and you are their safe place. I think this is fairly obvious and comes innately to most people staring at their brand new baby, but coming from a place of empathy and compassion for how hard it must be to be your fresh-to-the-world baby has really helped me countless times when I've felt frustrated by typical baby behaviours. Or how hard it must be not to be able to move somewhere of your own volition, or have any control over what you'll do next. On another note, I've been reading some really interesting stuff about how we (collectively as a society, not personally I hope!) sometimes treat babies and children - but particularly babies, who are voiceless - as less than human a lot of the time. They have different needs because they are small but they are just as valid, and Comfort with a capital C is a big, important one, even if you as an adult don't feel you often ask for it (though you probably do, you can just go get it yourself!) So when they cry, even though you might not know why, it’s always for a (good!) reason. And also all babies have different temperaments and will like different things! Ines loved swaddling for instance (she'd grin away when we started wrapping her up, knowing she was about to get some rest) but not all babies will! Don't be afraid to stick to your instincts on what you think they like, because you're the one with them all day long. It feels like they don't communicate with you in those first few weeks either, but there will be tiny little communications going on, so watching them closely can help. If you feel you have no idea what's going on though, that's very normal too! It gets easier.
Streamline advice. I started to get in a panic early on because I was just doing way too much googling and taking on board too much different advice. Try and stick to a few trusted sources (the NHS is a good one, maybe one or two books or Instagrammers that you feel align with your parenting style) because otherwise, you might go a bit crazy.
Maximising sleep is important. I felt guilty putting earplugs in those first few weeks because she grunted so much in her sleep… so stupid. Nothing could stop me from hearing her when she needed me when she was literally right there. Crazy how you can feel guilty about literally anything as a mum! If that also means co-sleeping, or putting your baby down when they're fast asleep so they actually stay asleep, or even making a calculated decision about when to put them in their own room, do any and all of these things. Do whatever works for you. But also if your baby has gone to bed and you're sat there agonising over whether you should sleep or do something nice for yourself like take a bath or watch an episode of something (this may sound crazy to the non-parents out there but these decisions can feel like life or death), it's ok to have awake 'me' time too. Maybe sometimes I wished I'd just gone to sleep but other times I was glad to just have a bit of downtime whilst awake and I wish someone would have explicitly said that to me so I could stop worrying. You don't need to sleep literally every second that the baby does if you don't want to.
One of the most important things to think about when they're fresh out of the womb is their Circadian rhythm. Helping your baby understand the difference between night and day seems to me to be one of the most important things you can do in those first few weeks to help with current and future sleep. Get them lots of daylight in the day, including whilst they nap (you'll know if/when they're unable to nap in daylight, I think for us she really struggled after three months) and keep night feeds quiet and dark (night lights are good! I wish I'd got one sooner). Also PSA - you don't have to change their nappy in the middle of the night unless they've pooed. I didn't know this. Made life easier and disturbed her less!
Make your night feeds as enjoyable as possible because there will be a lot. I did a lot of reading on my Kindle (so good for bookworm mamas!) but you can get a little bit of Netflix going or whatever you enjoy. I was surprised at how long they can be (like, two hours or more long sometimes). Early on I found she was not disturbed really by this sort of thing either so make the most of it; these days she wants to put her fingers in my mouth or scratch my face with her sharp little claws! And she is very aware if I have any sort of light going on behind her so night feeds are mostly done in absolute darkness - it's very boring but they are at least a little quicker… most of the time!
Fake it until you make it. This is life advice to be honest and something that has served me well in countless situations. Faking confidence and pretending I knew what I was doing - even when I didn't - I think helped create an aura of calm that rubbed off on Ines and in turn rubbed back off on me. Trying to calm physiological bodily reactions first and foremost before you even think about the emotions - taking a big breath, walking slowly around the room - helps with this too. Believe and trust in yourself. Feel as confident as you can in your decisions. You're doing amazingly well. (This is not to say mamas with high needs babies are to blame for their more difficult temperament by the way - that’s just who they are! But I do think it helps where possible, and I’ve found Ines really picks up on my emotions and feelings - calm is contagious!)
Hygiene is important, for lots of reasons. One of the things the midwife said to me when she signed us out of the hospital was to take a daily shower to keep everything clean and prevent problems down the road. We've all heard how hard it is to get a shower as a new parent with a baby who needs you seemingly twenty-four hours out of the day. And no judgement to any mums who feel they just couldn't manage it, or who couldn't even stand up after their labour, let alone shower. But although it seemed like the most obvious advice ever, keeping it in mind really helped me personally and I would find ten minutes every day to get myself clean and fresh. It helped me physically to keep everything clean and prevent infection (which I think was what the midwife was getting at), but it also helped me mentally.
Understand normal baby sleep and stop blaming yourself. Sleep is a sensitive topic and there are so many ways of approaching baby sleep. My way is to understand what normal baby sleep looks like (a few resources that I've found helpful are linked below), and to stop putting pressure on myself to make her sleep 'better'. Babies wake up a lot, it's just a fact. Even those who would tell you that babies can be taught to sleep twelve hours a night would probably admit that a lot of babies wake up in the night naturally. And baby sleep is not linear. It might get better and then, sadly, it might get worse again, especially in the first year of life. I try to think back to what my sleep was like before something exciting or nerve-wracking was happening, or when I was on the brink of learning something new. My sleep before the first day of school, before my first driving lesson, before a holiday, before my baby was born. You bet it was broken. And I can just roll over and go back to sleep, but lots of babies can't. They might wake and notice they're cold, and it's not as easy for them as pulling the covers up; or that they're thirsty, and they can't just reach for a sip of water; or that they're alone, and they can't abstractly understand why, or that their carer(s) are nearby. And for them, every day is filled with new things, new developments. Their brains are growing like mad. So it's no wonder that their sleep is broken. Knowing this, and knowing that it does get better on its own eventually with no intervention from you, is comforting, at least I find it comforting. Furthermore, when your baby has a few good nights of sleep and then a bad night, or maybe they've been sleeping through for weeks and then suddenly they're up every couple of hours, you can sit there wracking your brain wondering what you did differently. But more often than not it's not your fault, and there's nothing you can do immediately the next day to change it. Linking below a few of my favourite accounts if you're finding your babies' sleep to be completely unmanageable and/or you think something is wrong because there are always things to consider and maybe change, but it's ok to just let it go, too. Let the night wakes wash over you. That's not to say I don't get frustrated and angry in the middle of the night, that I don't shed the occasional sleep-deprived tear, but in general, I just go with the flow. Having said that, basic things like a nice bedtime routine, maybe some white noise or something like that can certainly help, so setting up good habits is good, but they're not guaranteed to solve all your problems. I've felt much better and freer since I let go of any expectations for Ines' sleep and just enjoyed the good bits and powered through the bad to the best of my ability. It's all just a season, and it will get better.
BIG emotions incoming. I was well aware that the immediate postpartum period can make you feel down and weepy and overwhelmed and just like you're going a little bit crazy. But actually, although I certainly didn't feel normal, I didn't experience the baby blues as much as I was expecting. Instead, I have felt intermittently floored by mum guilt - especially when it comes to trying to balance all the other existing aspects of my life with the baby, like work - and also feelings of anger and resentment, particularly in the middle of the night or generally when I'm at my most sleep-deprived. It feels shameful to type it, but it's true and I think a lot of mums feel this way. Your life has changed so profoundly, your body has changed so profoundly, and it can feel lonely and strange and uncomfortable. It feels like everyone else can still be 'normal' but you are fundamentally different, whether you like it or not. Plus you're being woken up every few hours (at the good end of the scale!) and remember sleep deprivation is a form of torture. These feelings are normal. I try to let them wash over me, let them pass. Give yourself grace. I found researching the idea of matrescence really interesting, too, but I'll leave that up to you!
Nurture the relationship. From my now very limited experience, I feel like parenthood is not just about having the baby, raising the baby - whatever that means - but also creating a beautiful long-lasting relationship with a new family member. You (probably) want this relationship to be nurturing, caring and fulfilling in both directions for the rest of your lives, and I've found it helpful sometimes to think less about 'being a parent' (though it's important to set boundaries and be a good example where you can and all the integral parent-y things) and more about cultivating and protecting the bond; having fun together, cuddling together, feeling for her and with her. I've been surprised and delighted how little I have to interfere when it comes to helping her develop (so if I don't feel like 'teaching' or being educational then I don't), and how absolutely fundamental it seems to me to shower her with love, to show her she is safe, that we will care for her, and that also we enjoy her and enjoy her company. No, you won’t enjoy their company every second you’re with them - there’s only so many times you can thrillingly stack some blocks, or listen to them wailing in their car seat - but if it’s a general feeling your baby gets from you, I think it probably makes a big difference.
Soak it all up and surrender to it. Take thousands of pictures. It goes by so, so quick. Each time they reach a new stage, something seems to get easier and something seems to get harder. I wish I'd spent less time worrying about being 'normal' and 'productive' in the weeks following Ines' birth and just sat back and really rested and really soaked up all the newborn cuddles (because now I am mostly getting climbed all over and pummelled). I was hard on myself, I didn't want to be subsumed in it all. But the thing is, is that it just doesn't last forever. And you won't enjoy every moment, lots of moments will feel hard and will be about survival, but where you can try to soak it up. They're only small once!
Literally everything is just a phase. Your body will change again, you'll have more time to yourself, you'll have more time for your partner, you'll sleep through the night again, you'll leave the house without it taking upwards of two hours again. It just doesn't last forever! And if I can do it, you can do it.

So that's it, everyone. My thoughts on surviving this new crazy stage of life, things I remind myself of, things I think would have helped me back in March and also now. Having Ines has been the best thing I've ever done, and now I'm off to go give her a big squeeze. Sending out love and solidarity to anyone that needs it today, and I hope maybe some of this resonated with some of you.